I’ve been having a hard time following through on anything recently, and mostly just want to quit all my responsibilities and do …. something different. 🙂 Its a hard place to be in – filled with lots of uncertainty – but also a blessing. I CAN and DO have the ability to change my profession if I choose. Our family does not rely on my (meager) income and there’s incredible freedom in chasing dreams, passions, and educational pursuits.

The complicated part is when you aren’t exactly passionate about anything and completely unsure of what the change could look like.

I have a good friend that seems to also be in the midst of a “mid-life crises” and we’ve had discussions about blogging, social media and virtual vs. real life. They’ve been enlightening and its honestly a huge comfort to know that I’m not alone. That my ideas aren’t crazy (okay, maybe a little), and even to have a kindred spirit along for this rocky rollercoaster ride we seem to be on.

Landing back in a community has ignited my drive to dig in and get involved locally. In person. For reals.  I don’t regret for a single second all the blogging and sharing we’ve done over the last 5 years but I think I’m ready for something new. Something that doesn’t require so much…hustle. Blogging is hard. Staying relevant on social media is a ridiculous game. There are so many new rules, regulations, and algorithms out there for more followers, more visibility, and more reach. And if you don’t, uh, no one sees what you write.

Weird that my heart just isn’t in it anymore? Probably not. Working with sponsors feels like a chore and a loathe to even crack open my computer.

Because, as this awesome friend stated, “I think all my hustle energy gets used up parenting hormonal teenagers”.

#truth

The clock strikes 8pm and am ready to turn out the lights and crawl under the covers. It takes more energy and preparation to homeschool older kids, plus as much as we try not to – they need outside activities where someone other than us starts to push them. Toss in a few dozen unpredictable emotions and we are all bushed.

A few weeks ago I posted this on IG and I’ve still be thinking a lot about it. Mostly these last few weeks have been incredibly distracted and unorganized but I’m ready to get with it again.

“When my kids returned from public school I decided I needed to be all in. “If YOU were excited about writing mom, maybe we would be,” Rachel says to me one morning.

The best thing about those 9 weeks of early mornings, bus rides, and homework was that my kids had teachers that were incredibly passionate about the subjects they taught.

I could do better. I wanted to BE better.

Combine older kids + homeschool and gradually I stop writing. And blogging. And editing photos. I post less on social media because our life is no longer interesting to anyone but close friends and family. To be so engaged with a community for so long, and then to feel like it’s getting along just fine without me is unsettling.

But I’m also okay with that. I know that there are seasons in life and in this next one these three little humans just might need me engaged in ways I haven’t been before. That if I’m distracted at all in the morning our days end up rough and scattered. But when I’m really, truly present – everything clicks.

We still aren’t sure what the future holds for our family, and the waiting game can be tiresome. I still itch for adventure – for growth, for excitement, for anything but the monotony of day to day living. I want to do something incredible.

And then there are small moments when I realize I already am.

I think recently I’ve been too busy stressing about what it is I want to do, that I haven’t really had any time to do the most important things. I’ve committed to try out both volleyball coaching and mountain bike coaching in the next year (both with camps – one in Long Beach, CA and the other in Park City, UT), signed up as a merit badge counselor for Andrew’s scout troop, agreed to teach snow sports at the local Pow Wow, and been called as both the primary chorister and Girls’ Camp Director for our local church group.

When I type it out like that it does seem a little crazy.

It’s time to take a step and re-evaluate priorities, yeah?