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Daily Life Faith Mommy Diaries

I’m Just Not Good Enough

I sat outside on my yoga mat with my eyes closed and just breathed. It was cold outside in south eastern Arizona, but the sun warmed my upturned face. The kids were off in the grasslands playing in their “fort” and I could hear them laughing in the distance. For a moment I was content to just be me.

For so long I’ve kept an unhealthy pace. Not content to simply write about our adventures and traveling from a journal perspective, this blogging adventure morphed into more of a business.  In order to be a “blogger” I created a laundry list of items to check off my list. Work with brands. Acquire advertising revenue. Make money. Gain followers. Attend conferences. Grow my audience. Somewhere along the journey I lost track of our original goal: Help and inspire families through outdoor adventure and travel. Soon that goal was buried under a pile of “supposed to’s”.  [perfectpullquote align=”right” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]”What if we are normal and quiet and happy? Does that count?” -Brené Brown[/perfectpullquote]

Page after page in my personal journal over the last year talks of unhappiness, discontentment, and an overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. I’m not a good enough blogger. I don’t have enough time to keep up with all the projects in my head. I’m a horrible wife. I’m not a good enough mother. I’m a terrible at traveling full time – I can’t even keep things together. I paid too much attention to social media and somehow the majority of my self worth was determined by how many followers I had, or how many likes a particular photo received.

Its not a healthy way to live.

Last December I decided I was done. Done with pretty much everything. I was upset, depressed, and really just couldn’t get things together. I desperately wanted things to change and I finally had the courage to start saying “No”.

Its amazing the peace that a little two letter word brought into my life. Facebook came off my phone (I can’t even begin to tell you how angry it makes me), I put one of my Instagram accounts on hold, I left a group the core group of amazing women working on the 365MileChallenge project. While I still have companies and brands I love and plan to work with, I stopped soliciting new ones and have been more selective of the projects we take on.

We invented a card game. I can’t tell you how ridiculously excited I am about that.

I decided to focus my blogging more on telling our story. I carry my Kindle with me everywhere in an effort to read good books instead of mindlessly scrolling on my phone. I’ve made an effort to exercise regularly again, eat healthy, and we’ve slowed our travel pace considerably. 18 days at McDowell Mountain in Arizona was a balm for my fracture soul.

[perfectpullquote align=”left” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]”I give myself permission to slow down. I’m finally succumbing to the fact that I don’t have to DO and that I can just BE.” – Kelli France[/perfectpullquote] But, most importantly I turned my heart back to the Lord. With all my new free time I’ve concentrated on beginning my day with scripture study. Even if its just 10 minutes before I get up and get the day going, I feel more at peace and focused.  I make sure that I pray every day.  We are working hard as a family to keep the Sabbath Day holy. One of my good friends introduced me to an online institute class that is sponsored by her stake in Utah. Sisters in Scriptures is taught by truly inspired women and I’m grateful they’ve made their classes available as podcasts. Learning more about the Doctrine & Covenants through this class has also enriched my Sunday study of the same book of scripture.

Slowly but surely I feel myself pulling back from the black void I felt was imminent in my future.  Looking back I feel that perhaps I overreacted. It really couldn’t have been that bad, could it? Its amazing how easily our mind adapts and glosses over the bleaker portions of our lives. It WAS that bad, but now instead of listening to my gremlins I take time to remember what I’m grateful for. When my inner demons tell me I’m not good enough I can respond with “Yes I am. I am enough. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone.”

Categories
Daily Life Faith Utah

A Month in Manti, Utah for the Mormon Miracle Pagaent

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Travel Dates: May 28 – Jun 26, 2016

In two and a half years of travel we have never stayed in the same spot for a month. Ever. Our typical stay lasts anywhere from one night, to our previous record of two weeks. Lately we have been aiming for 7-10 days, but an entire 30 days seemed a little intimidating. Luckily, we had the Mormon Miracle Pageant to keep us plenty busy. We posted back in June about our decision to participate in the pageant, but we thought a summary of our time there was in order – both for those that are interested in participating in Pageant with their families someday, and those that want to see what staying stationary can be like for full time travelers!

The Campground

We stayed at the Temple Hill RV resort just north of the Manti Temple in a water/20amp electric site. The owners were great and the campground was very shaded (which was our saving grace!). Sanpete County is known for its ATV trails, so we had quite a lot of company on the weekends with warriors and their toys. Once pageant performances began, the campground filled up more regularly, but still never fully reached capacity. The sites were tight enough though that we had a few mornings where our neighbors were up long before us and we didn’t enjoy the noise in such close quarters. If we were to do it again, however, we’d make sure to sign up early enough to get a spot with 30amp hook ups at the local RV Park. Not having air conditioning and 100+ degree temperatures were a terrible combination. We all get a little irritable, lazy, and fairly non motivated when it gets that warm outside (and inside!). We had 20amp electrical and water, but no sewer which meant hitching up and dumping our tanks everyday 6-8 days.

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The RV park has a pool, but for the first two weeks it was not heated and was COLD. The kids jumped in once or twice but they never lasted long. Our last week, however, they installed (or fixed) the water heater and we spent some long days at the pool to get out of the heat! It was nice having laundry on site, and during the week we felt we could spread out a little since there were few campers in our area.

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Activities Other Than Pageant

For the first week and a half, we still managed to sneak in some school. The kids had subjects they were finishing up from last year (ahem, math!) but we were pretty lazy about it. With rehearsals not starting until 5:oo pm most nights we had plenty of time during the day to clean, work on school, and have Sam get his paid work in. Once things heated up with late dress rehearsals and performances, however, we gave up and just called it “summer”. Everyone was too tired by then to even think about school.

Since the campground pool was too cold, the kids and I took one day to visit the local Manti community pool which was fun but also disappointing because there was no diving board for the older two. Poor things. I also signed the kids up for 2 weeks (8 days, Mon-Thur over two weeks) of swimming lessons at Snow College up in Ephraim. In hindsight I’m glad I signed them up for the 11:20 am spot, because that last week we had dress rehearsals and performances which meant we didn’t crack our eyelids in the morning until at least 9:30am. Rachel and Andrew have done swimming lessons previously, but Cara never has. Despite their initial insistence that they could swim just fine, by the time lessons rolled around all three were excited. Rachel and Andrew worked on their diving and stroke technique, while Cara blew her teacher away with how fast she learned to dive for objects and swim the front crawl.

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Shortly after arriving, we took a drive up to nearby Maple Canyon to check out a Box Canyon hike. We also were able to watch some of the rock climbers and decided we needed to come back the following week with our gear and try it out. I climbed down there long ago in college and remembered it being fairly beginner friendly. We went up the following Monday for Family Night and even brought the daughter of a friend (okay, for all purposes she’s considered a niece) and introduced her to rock climbing. Unfortunately the next time we went up to climb the routes were busy with Boy Scouts and we had to bail.

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Our first Sunday evening (June 5th) we took a drive up Ephraim Canyon to get out of the heat. We checked out the campground, but our biggest find was an awesome boondocking spot we find off a forest service road. The following weekend (June 12-13) we towed our trailer up there Sunday after church and spent a blissfully cool couple of nights camping up in the forest. We still had to drive down for swim lessons, but the cooler temperatures were worth it! We had an epic campfire dinner one night and were also joined by Sam’s brother who was driving through the area on his way to Idaho from California.

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We celebrated my birthday (June 16th) with waffles for breakfast, a climbing trip turned canyon picnic up Maple Canyon (boy scouts, remember?), dinner with my parents and friends and donuts & ice cream for dessert!

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Father’s Day we left the trailer and drove up to Sandy, Utah to attend church and have dinner with my family. We then spent two nights at our friend’s house in Lehi where the kids played, and played, and played some more with their best friends. It was a fabulous break from the heat in Manti and we always love seeing our friends!

During performances we had both family and friends come down for pageant. It was so fun to see everyone! When my parents came down, in addition to celebrating my birthday we also visited the Ephraim cemetery where my dad’s ancestors are buried. Apparently “Madsen” is one of THE families in the Ephraim/Manti area.

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We were also surprised with a visit from Sam’s parents! They flew from Oakland, CA to Salt Lake City, UT and then drove down. It had been months since we’d seen them last and we always love spending time with them! Our last afternoon together we spent a few hours at Palisades State Park canoeing, swimming, and generally horsing around.

DSCN7405 We took one night off during pageant performances to watch the entire thing. Many of the other participants were surprised we had never seen it before and encouraged us to do so. We bought dinner from the vendors and had fun hanging out on the lawn before the show started. We loved watching it and we became even more excited for our final performances afterwards.
IMG_20160623_211929416-01 We had plans to visit the local libraries, but turns out the kids had enough books to keep them busy for the month. Once pageant performances started it really took up more time than we had originally thought and didn’t have the energy for much else!

Pageant Rehearsals

My 31st – June 4th was our first week of rehearsals and it was a lot of fun. The pageant directors put out a master schedule and ran through various scenes from 5:00-9:30pm every night. All of these rehearsals were in the local church building and not actually over on temple hill. This was great because we were indoors, out of the sun, and it was air conditioned.

Many of the principal parts had rehearsals in the side rooms while the larger groups practiced in the gymnasium. Rachel, Andrew and I attended the square dancing rehearsals where we learned a simple Virginia Reel for one of the Pioneer Scenes. Sam would bring Cara over a little later as we went into rehearsals for some of our other parts. We had originally intended to not have Sam and Cara in the Pioneer Scenes as they were much later in the pageant, but we learned at our first rehearsal that we needed a man from our handcart group to join the Mormon Battalion so they started coming to rehearsals as well. We figured we’d just see how she did once we got into those late nights!

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Our second week (June 7-11) we started rehearsing on “the hill” and were able to practice with our handcarts as Pioneers. I don’t think we realized how steep that hill actually was. It was a workout to run up and down it and even to pull those handcarts across! By this time we were able to have a sense of the show, how things worked, and where we were supposed to be. All the seasoned participants kept telling us that “it’ll all make sense once you get on the hill” and it really does! Nothing quite prepares you for the magnitude of the stage than actually being on it. We also were given costumes this week. There is a dedicated costume building on the property and we were able to try on our costumes, make sure everything fit properly and then we left them there to check out every night.

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These were hard weeks for me as I had a lot of trouble balancing early rehearsals with dinner. Some days we’d have an early dinner and take snacks, but everyone would come home starving at 8:30pm. Other nights we’d snack before we went and have a quick dinner when we got home at 8:30. I still don’t think we ever figured out a schedule that really worked, but we survived. We definitely did not eat as healthy for the month but luckily we burned a lot of calories going up and down the hill!

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Friday June 10th and Saturday June 11th were run throughs. We ran through the entire pageant from 5:30-7:30pm, and then everyone was fed dinner, we changed into costumes and we ran through the 1st half on Friday and the 2nd half on Saturday in costume with lights. The kids were extremely excited to practice in costume as it made everything more real. Some of the costumes they use are pretty elaborate and it was fun to see the different characters!

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Our Parts

As a family we mostly participated in large group scenes. These were fun as we could all be together during rehearsals and performances. There were three main ones we did: Harvest, Christ in America, and Pioneers.

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As Joseph Smith translates the Book of Mormon, scenes are shown of the people that once lived in North America.One of the story threads of the pageant is about a righteous man called Captain Moroni who led the Nephi people through wars with the wicked Lamanites. In Harvest, we celebrate his return from war, and its a colorful scene with many of the young girls (including Rachel) twirling ribbons. Unfortunately the people at that time were plagued with prosperity and many turned to wealth and riches and hardened their hearts towards the teachings of Christ (Sam and I alternated nights going “wicked” and pretending to throw rocks and shoot arrows at the prophet Samuel the Lamanite).  From there we repented, and looked to Nephi as a prophet who foretold the coming of Christ to visit the people.

Upon Jesus’ death in Jerusalem, the people in North America experienced extreme earthquakes, floods, lightning and other tumultuous storms. On stage this meant a lot of running around in the dark with fireballs being lit by the stage crew. It was one of our favorites! At first Andrew insisted we hold his hand so he wouldn’t get lost, but by the last night everyone was comfortable to just run around by themselves. I loved how much confidence my kids gained through this experience!

We also participated in the “Christ in America” scene from the Book of Mormon where Jesus Christ visits the indigenous people of North America after his resurrection. This was my favorite scene and we were encouraged to really put ourselves there as if we were seeing the Savior. One night I was able to walk up to touch his hands and his feet, and another night Andrew and Cara were able to sit on his lap as he taught and blessed the children. While there, Jesus Christ organized His church and called Twelve Apostles, just as he had in Jerusalem. Sam started out as a “fill-in” Apostle, but eventually just planned to fill the role every night since the regulars didn’t seem to show up.

DSCF5894After Christ in America, we exited the stage and changed into our Pioneer costumes. Once the narrative reaches the end of the Book of Mormon where Moroni (not the same as Captain Moroni) buries the plates for Joseph Smith to find, the pageant returns to Joseph Smith and eventually the martyrdom of Joseph & Hyrum Smith and the exodus of the Saints from Nauvoo. As Pioneers we pulled our handcarts across the hill, participated in a campfire scene (that’s where the square dancing came in), and journeyed from Salt Lake City to Manti with the protagonist, Robert Henshaw, who is killed by Native Americans. What follows is a beautiful depiction of life after death and the fact that our families truly can be together forever after we die.

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Looking back over our experience, I will admit its one of the most difficult experiences we’ve had as a family. Late nights, following a schedule, managing expectations, and just plain working hard were all involved, but it was definitely worth it! We feel closely bonded as a family having shared this experience, and our kids are already scheming for when we can participate again! Andrew wants to be a Nephite Warrior and Rachel can’t wait to be a Lamanite Dancer and an angel. We are so grateful we were put by the Lord in a time and place that this worked out so easily for us to do together. Our testimonies of Joseph Smith and the restoration of Christ’s church on the Earth were strengthened and we made many friends that will hopefully last a lifetime!

Up Next: Moochdocking in Idaho With a Surprise Family Visit

Categories
Faith Florida Road Stories

Funny How Things Work Out Sometimes – Long Key State Park

2016-01-04 17.23.41We weren’t even supposed to be at Long Key State Park. After the Dry Tortugas, we originally had planned to stay at Bahia Honda for another five days to decompress. We knew we’d need to catch up on work and school and little to no driving sounded great. However, we found an open spot at Long Key State Park that fit our dates, wasn’t that much farther of a drive, and we had heard good things from other traveling friends so we switched up our plans because we like new places.

I’m so glad we did.

Sam was grilling outside at the picnic table our first night, and as a woman was walking up and down the beach she eventually approached him with a question. She had seen our website on the back of the Airstream, looked up the blog and realized that we were also a traveling family and desperately needed advice.

After that first meeting we hit it off. The Siminoff family have two kids that are right around our kids’ ages, had been on the road in their truck camper only a few months into their year long sabbatical and were really struggling with schedules, motivating their kids, and finding a balance. Ellen fired off question after question after question while the kids happily played in the bedroom due to the pouring rain outside.

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We loved talking with them. I can’t say we got a whole lot of school or work done those two days, but we definitely made some life long friends. We invited them over for a Family Home Evening where Sam gave a lesson on the prophet Noah and Ellen taught us how to make Key Lime Pie. Afterward the kids played Castle Panic, and the adults sat in the bedroom alternating discussions between theology (we are LDS, they are Jewish) and full-time family travel until far too late into the night.

You know when you meet someone and you just click? It was like that. Our time together was far too short, but we made the most of it.

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The spin-off from this meeting happened a few weeks later when Ellen and I were texting about their upcoming plans to fly overseas and tour New Zealand and Australia before finishing the United States. Back in college Sam and I participated in a New Zealand study abroad with the Recreation Management program and we were hosted by the most amazing elderly couple whom we’ve kept in close contact with over the last twelve years. Just recently the wife died, and Dave, our host dad, has been a bit lonely. He loves to travel, having taking us touring the South Island during our studies, and we knew he’d have great advice for the Siminoffs.

Before I knew it, Dave had offered to pick them up at the airport, and TOUR them around in his eight passenger van! I was so happy for all of them! If we couldn’t visit New Zealand and hang out with Dave, at least our friends could. Their meeting came a great time for both parties and from what I’ve heard everything is going swimmingly.

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Everyone once in awhile we receive affirmation that we are where God intends us to be. Its no secret we feel led to travel. I’m sure there are many reasons including personal growth, education, and opportunities to spend time together as a family. Most importantly the people we meet. When life and events come together so perfectly, I can’t help but be amazed at the love and understanding God has for our lives.

We love all the friends we’ve met along our journey and continue to be inspired and encouraged by everyone we meet!

Categories
Faith Mommy Diaries

We Attend Chuch in an Office Complex

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Today was a new experience for us. Sam is the one that usually scouts out church for Sunday and then encourages us to get out the door on time. This has turned into his job as I’m typically still in the bathroom desperately trying to finish up my mascara after helping the kids with their hair and getting shoes on. (Why is it I always get them ready first and then I’m the slow one? Not sure.)

Having no clue where exactly we were going, I look out the passenger window as Sam turns down a small side street and approached an office-like complex of a building. I immediately wondered where the church building was? We were already running late and navigating to the wrong address (something I have admittedly done in the past few months – another reason I’m not in charge on Sundays) wouldn’t help our tardiness.

We weren’t lost. The Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-Day Saints was clearly visible on the Arlington Plaza sign, in between a law firm and an optometrist.

Okaaaaaay. Coming from Utah where there is a designated LDS church practically on every corner, this was new for me. We sandwiched the Beast of a truck in between two smaller vehicles in the parking lot and went inside. We could hear singing so we knew the meeting had started, but somehow ended up going in the “back” door. We navigated through the classrooms and the kitchen before finding the meeting room designated as a chapel for sacrament meeting (the first of three meetings on Sundays).

The room was definitely not a “chapel” as you’d think in a typical Sunday worship building, but it turns out that doesn’t matter much. We sat in the back and were pleased to see members look at us and smile warmly and a couple even moved over a seat so we could sit the five of us together.

The meetings were wonderful. Sam and I have often commented that smaller congregations in random, out of the way towns are our favorites. Members are genuinely pleased to see us (they don’t often get visitors), and are such down to earth, no nonsense type people.

We were even invited to stay for a potluck after the meetings were over which gave us more time to meet the locals, chat with visiting leaders from as far away as Detroit, and spend time with members of our faith.

Definitely a good church day.

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Faith Musings of Sam

Signs and Footprints

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A few weeks ago, we found ourselves hiking the Sound of Silence Trail in Dinosaur National Monument. It had been a rainy few days, but we found ourselves with a few hours of sunshine and set out on the trail. We were blessed with visitors from Jess’s family, and had a wonderful time chatting as we hiked up the trail.

Fairly soon on the hike, the trail dipped into a wash, and we followed the winding course of the wash for a mile or so. The rain the previous few days had washed the trail clean, safe for some wild-animal hoofprints and the footprints of one lone hiker. The trail was beautiful, and were were enjoying the solitude. An occasional trail sign assured us that we were on the right path. About a mile up the wash, the trail (marked with a sign) led up and to the right. The trail led up and out of the wash, and then wound through some clay hills that reminded me remarkably of the Painted Hills in Oregon.

The tight turns in the trail through the clay hills soon revealed the name of the trail: despite being only a few hundred yards in front of the rest of our hiking party, we could not hear any sound of their talking. It occurred to me that this point that I was glad to have signs along the trail to guide our way. Without signs, the limited visibility and inability to hear could create a dangerous situation should we become lost.

The trail had signs at every significant turn, but at points I began to wonder if we were still on the trail. The rain had wiped out all previous footprints, and sections of the trail were not that distinct from the surrounding landscape.

I found myself watching for the footprints of that lone hiker who had hiked the trail before us that morning. Seeing the path of somebody who had gone before us was comforting. The trail signs were sufficient to guide us at forks in the trail, but it was the footprints that gave me confidence.

God’s prophets (ancient and modern) serve as signposts along our trail of life. At significant junctures we can learn from their teachings and choose the path that aligns with principles of The Gospel of Christ.

At times on our journey through life, we might wonder if we are still on the right path. Recent controversy, disasters, or personal relationships at times wash out our trail. During these times, it is often the examples of others that give us confidence in our direction. Their example, living the Gospel day by day, little by little, are the footprints that stretch before us.

As we neared the end of our hike, the footprints before us gave us confidence. The gap in the rain was closing. With a rainstorm moving toward us and raindrops starting to fall, we started to hurry. We followed those footprints rapidly down the trail, and made it back to the truck only slightly wet.

I’m grateful to those whose footsteps I follow, both in life, and on the trail. Their step by step examples give me courage and confidence as I push onward.